Chronological / Wines & Spirits / Writers' Tips

Ten Wine Snob "No-No’s"

If you’ve ever been left speechless by a posturing wine snob, terrorized by an imperious sommelier, or turned off by the enological pontification of a wine critic, then here is your answer: join them! All you have to do to become a wine snob is memorize the following list:

  1. Never buy a wine with a "sell by" date.
  2. Never order a wine that costs more than your mortgage payment.
  3. Never pay more than $100 for a bottle of wine, unless the grapes were stomped by Sophia Loren.
  4. Never sniff a wine cork, unless you plan on eating it as an appetizer.
  5. Never drink a wine that smells like the bottom of your laundry hamper.
  6. Never order a bar’s Chateau Cheapo if it’s served from a rubber hose.
  7. Never smile with your mouth full of red wine.
  8. Never wait too long before drinking a great wine. As the two billionaires on the Titanic regrettably remarked, "Why not save the 1887 Chateau Lafite Rothschild for tomorrow night?"
  9. Never order French wine in California. Let’s kiss French, drink California.
  10. Never drink more than two glasses of wine before driving. As Ogden Nash advised, "Too much Chablis can make you whablis."
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